Today I had to prevent myself from crying after reading the story of a drug addict mother on Helsingin Sanomat. (It was some old article on their family section of the biggest newspaper in Finland.) I had somewhere to go so I couldn't indulge in the tears.
The woman tells HS that she had three (3!) babies as an addict, and every time she kept hoping that the pregnancy and birth of the child would help her stay sober and give her a meaningful family life to settle into serenely. And yet every time she kept thinking about the next fix and couldn't concentrate on being present with her children. All of the children were taken from her and one of them refuses any contact with her - the child was lucky since she got taken into a better family who she now considers her real family. Another child, her brother, decided to kill himself at 16.
I hope that I'm not that woman. I'm not addicted to anything really, not even soda since I stopped drinking Pepsi max before Christmas, but I can recognize the thought the woman had. I believe that no one who willingly has a child imagines themselves unable to take care of that child, or doesn't imagine a bright future which the child only makes happier. Am I ignoring something, am I painting a rosy future or do I see what a child would mean realistically? This is a persistent fear - something I think about daily. It seems that I don't really trust myself as someone who makes decisions. That in itself points to a new direction of growth: as a parent I would need to make decisions confidently.
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