Mixed feelings

Today is Monday. Tomorrow is the Tuesday I have an appointment with my gynecologist. As I sit here in my living room I can lift my eyes from the computer and see the reason: a Mirena hormonal coil. A year and two months ago I had the exactly same thing inserted into me (and it didn't even hurt, or not that much). Just before Christmas the thing decided to come out on its own, though, and I had to buy a new one and get a new appointment.

I was lucky to be going to the pap smear organized by the community anyway, and I got the results in record time - I asked them to hurry up because of my situation and they clearly did. It took less than two weeks.

The coil was great: I used to have huge periods that would leave me grumpy with badly slept nights and anemic because of the blood loss. A few years back when I started to use a menstrual cup I wrote down the amount of flow, and it was always more than 100ml, usually around 110 to 130ml per periods. No wonder I had to empty the cup once an hour at the height of the flow.

Now, however, I've had an intense desire to have a child for a while. That makes the thought of the coil somewhat bittersweet. (I'm happy to have it, thanks, since I had to suffer a regular period before I could get it re-inserted.) It makes no sense to have the coil inserted just to take it out a few months later. However, my situation in life really doesn't afford a baby so I guess that this is just vague and useless dreaming. I suspect, though, that the decision to have a child is usually not made only with reason, but on emotional grounds. I can hardly take care of myself and yet I dream about a baby. (This is the only time I will write baby, since it is indeed a baby I dream about, but I do realize that it means that the baby will grow up to be a toddler, child, teen...) Maybe I need to research this want further - the only sensible thing in my mind that says that it's a good idea to have a child now is the understanding that my fertility is going downhill fast.