Doubts

No, don't worry, I haven't decided to stop blogging or have come up with doubts all of a sudden. Before I started this blog I already thought about whether there is anything worthwhile I have to say, and whether it's not strange that a non-parent writes about parenting and children. This is something I do: I worry about my message, worry about being worthwhile enough to share my view, worry about the private nature of the things I have to share. 

In the end I decided to go for it since I naturally (if there is such a thing) spend a lot of time thinking about what I would like to do if I was a parent or expecting, and dreaming about children. I'm sure that I'll love having a history of my thoughts in the future. 

The end to my pondering came today as I was reading Blogging For Dummies
. This is a direct quote: "Quite a few mommyblogs start before much mommying is going on - before or during pregnancy - and then proceed through infancy and upward. Don't let the fact that you're not quite a mommy yet deter you from starting a mommyblog." Welcome courage. 

Rosy glasses?

Today I had to prevent myself from crying after reading the story of a drug addict mother on Helsingin Sanomat. (It was some old article on their family section of the biggest newspaper in Finland.) I had somewhere to go so I couldn't indulge in the tears.

The woman tells HS that she had three (3!) babies as an addict, and every time she kept hoping that the pregnancy and birth of the child would help her stay sober and give her a meaningful family life to settle into serenely. And yet every time she kept thinking about the next fix and couldn't concentrate on being present with her children. All of the children were taken from her and one of them refuses any contact with her - the child was lucky since she got taken into a better family who she now considers her real family. Another child, her brother, decided to kill himself at 16.

I hope that I'm not that woman. I'm not addicted to anything really, not even soda since I stopped drinking Pepsi max before Christmas, but I can recognize the thought the woman had. I believe that no one who willingly has a child imagines themselves unable to take care of that child, or doesn't imagine a bright future which the child only makes happier. Am I ignoring something, am I painting a rosy future or do I see what a child would mean realistically? This is a persistent fear - something I think about daily. It seems that I don't really trust myself as someone who makes decisions. That in itself points to a new direction of growth: as a parent I would need to make decisions confidently.

A small thought

Any dream I have for myself I have for my child.

Birth stories

Today I talked with a friend who recently gave birth to a baby boy. I was delighted to hear that the birth went well, and she got to deliver her baby in a tub just like she wished. I have heard worse stories from friends as well. I have been reading stories of births at Perhekerho (in Finnish only). I also read the directions our local hospital (the 4th in the country when it comes to the number of births) gives to people about to have a baby.

This morning I had the Mirena inserted and it hurt somewhat more than it did last time (probably because my period started a week ago instead of a few days ago). I saw my uterus in the ultrasound screen both before and after the insertion - I was thinking about how great it would have been to see a tiny fetus in there. Of course I was relieved since I have been consuming alcohol and taking a medication that would harm a fetus. Last time the most uncomfortable thing in the process was when the gynecologist measured my uterus with a long metallic rod, luckily this time it would have been unnecessary - there is enough space alright. But the actual plastic applicator hurt a lot when it was pushed through my cervix. I felt uncomfortable pain that was accompanied by a sense of warmth for a couple of minutes. That left me wondering if birthing would feel similar, and I remarked something to the gynecologist. She went a bit weird and said, somewhat hesitantly, that giving birth is a natural thing whereas this was something strictly medical (which I understood as artificial).

When reading I was thinking about what kind of a birthing experience I would like to have.  Having a doula or at least someone to help me prepare well for the birth feels essential. What I'm mostly afraid of are damages such as tearing during the birth - I'm sure that I'm not capable of imagining the pain so I really hardly think about it. (The closest to contractions I've experienced would probably be the pain I had before I had to have my gall bladder removed. Not fun, but interesting pain, during which you can do nothing but just exist.) My friend today told me that she had practiced focused breathing and imagined the pain as a black blob that is becoming smaller and smaller. I'm sure to use such methods if I give birth one day - I just hope that I'll be diligent enough with the practicing beforehand.

I imagine that giving birth is a combination of your knowledge, attitude and skill as well as luck. Luck can not be ignored, but beforehand one wishes that one has power to create a good experience. Dayna Martin, an unschooling mom I respect a lot, has written in her blog that she is writing a book about "Attraction birth", a method she has developed in her work as a doula. I would be really interested, but I didn't find any current information about it. I guess that it's still a work in progress.

Mixed feelings

Today is Monday. Tomorrow is the Tuesday I have an appointment with my gynecologist. As I sit here in my living room I can lift my eyes from the computer and see the reason: a Mirena hormonal coil. A year and two months ago I had the exactly same thing inserted into me (and it didn't even hurt, or not that much). Just before Christmas the thing decided to come out on its own, though, and I had to buy a new one and get a new appointment.

I was lucky to be going to the pap smear organized by the community anyway, and I got the results in record time - I asked them to hurry up because of my situation and they clearly did. It took less than two weeks.

The coil was great: I used to have huge periods that would leave me grumpy with badly slept nights and anemic because of the blood loss. A few years back when I started to use a menstrual cup I wrote down the amount of flow, and it was always more than 100ml, usually around 110 to 130ml per periods. No wonder I had to empty the cup once an hour at the height of the flow.

Now, however, I've had an intense desire to have a child for a while. That makes the thought of the coil somewhat bittersweet. (I'm happy to have it, thanks, since I had to suffer a regular period before I could get it re-inserted.) It makes no sense to have the coil inserted just to take it out a few months later. However, my situation in life really doesn't afford a baby so I guess that this is just vague and useless dreaming. I suspect, though, that the decision to have a child is usually not made only with reason, but on emotional grounds. I can hardly take care of myself and yet I dream about a baby. (This is the only time I will write baby, since it is indeed a baby I dream about, but I do realize that it means that the baby will grow up to be a toddler, child, teen...) Maybe I need to research this want further - the only sensible thing in my mind that says that it's a good idea to have a child now is the understanding that my fertility is going downhill fast.